My Life

 Years passed by In this forgotten space i tried To console my self in being an examiner Have i become better? Maybe. But perhaps a little bit wiser In the nooks and corners  Of manuevering the life of an examiner I wont quit I like it The burden still as heavy But the heart becomes happy

being an examiner is hard.  the burden of responsibility makes both shoulder slouch. the heaviness of the score sheets trembled the fingers that carry the preciseness and accurateness are seek, cannot be missed. i want to stop and yet i don't i want to quit and yet i won't perhaps this challenge is for me to learn to be stronger to be patient to be helpful to be me.

 its day 8 of Ramadhan. I managed to do more than i did last year. Its difficult but i am trying. i saw someone posted that Ramadhan is not about increasing your amal only but actually to show what amal that you are capable of doing everyday... Masya Allah... basically all the good deed and ibadah are doable.. is just that we human choose not to do it after Ramadhan... I make dua' that may Allah accept my fast, my ibadah, my deed  and make me able to continue doing it after Ramadhan insyaAllah....

 in 4 days, 2020 will be leaving us. but apparently the Covid virus isn't. the numbers are still at 1000 over, with no sign of going down. The number in Kedah keeps on increasing to 20 over yesterday. I went to several Kenduris... early as I don't want to be among the crowd but even early is crowded already... I wanted to go for a holiday.. hanging out by the beach.. or simply stay at an expensive hotel once in a while.. but with the numbers like that, i am scared of course but people seem to be nonchalant about it.. so many cars on the road...; Chenang beach is full to the brim... SOP is taken for granted... Blaming games are everyone but no action seriously taken... I really really don't want the exam to be postponed anymore... though I am scared shit about being a leader but postponing would cause more harm than good.. to me n the kids... PLease people... be civilized... show some responsibilities as the citizen of Malaysia... I dont want 2021 is welcome with another PKP...

 precisely 7 months ago, Malaysia had our very first PKP throughout the country. we were taken aback as this is the 1st time ever we had to deal with this thing called COVID 19. To be honest life at that time was not good.. I gained weight, online classes were terrible. no support from whatsoever.. you are on your own. now after we managed to curb the 1st and 2nd waves.. we had to go through the 3rd one. No PKP anymore but its getting worst as peope whom supposed to be our role model (not that we hope so) did not do their part. Which triggered the problem to be even more worst. I really hope that we would be able to put stop to this wildly spread of this virus. People should be more responsible on other people's health and life.. not just simple take everything for granted. Enough of my rant this evening. its been so long since i posted anything here.. i think almost 6 years.. so many things happened... but thats for another day. bye

another year added to my life... i'm officially 27 this day.... time flies... i admit, that sometimes i feel lost... like i'm the only one who isn't moving forward.... but then again, i'm not alone right? anyway, i started the day with pampering session with all the 'babies' i bought from Body Shop... hehehehe... well, the birthday girl deserved some treat after all right? then off to my tuition class with the kids... it turned out good... a lot came, did the work, and some even scored... i hope they will do it better on the day itself... then, spent  the whole evening with my two lovelies.... Nisrin & kak Umi~ we ate, we laughed, we talked, we cried.... i cherished this memory for at that moment, i am truly blessed with such great friends... and 20 minutes ago, i came back from watching Ninja Turtles with my brother.... we had fun! you should go and watch it if you haven't.... now, if you ask me, why are my parents aren't mention... it's because...

yes, she's gone... gone from this world... i thought i wouldnt shed tears yet when I saw her, it didnt stop flowing... she looked so fragile with tubes all around... I forgive her Allah, for everything... and I hope she forgave me too... I didnt manage to say a word... just seeing her from the end of the bed, as the nurse hovered her, twisting tubes, adjusting the liquids...... gone the anger, the dissatisfaction, the hatred... I am a bad person... If only... if only... are phrases that remain 'if only'.... and now she's gone... i hope ALLAH will bless her soul... and keep her comfortable until Kiamat... till we meet again Mak Tok... I loved you... and I am sorry....

 a word to describe me this week.... i am so frustrated with myself & the kids~ i planned well, i prepared well all the materials, but yet they all failed! the kids are so noisy, the class is out of control... i am left utterly exhausted & frustrated.... my friend said that perhaps i had high hope, that's why i prepared things which were too hard for them... but the thing is, they were material from last year, for the same class.... *sigh* i dont know how can i survive these things for another 9 months.... i guess one way to stop feeling frustrated is to have no hope at all for them... maybe they dont deserve to be put on hope.... but one thing that really stop me from doing it is half of them do cooperate and did their work... while the other half make me feel miserable and turned the class into zoo!!!!! i dont know who to talk to, thus lead to this post.... i really pray that i will find the way out from this challenge... i guess the hurdle in teaching comes every three y...

is the day.... after a year, now it's time... to answer the questions....again... good luck to me & my fellow friends... let's break our legs! ^^

aaaaaa..... penat2~ baru tiga mngu dah rasa macam 3 tahun... berderet2 event mngu ni.... rasa mcm nak pengsan ja balik2 sekolah,,, adoi la... boleh x saya berenti jd cikgu? tp saya suka jd cikgu... hari ni kelas mencabar sgt... tu yg meroyan sat... haih la.... cepat la habis 2014... boleh gitu?

well, it's rather early to be posting about the year 2014... but seeing a '4' at the end, reminds me that next year will be my fourth year teaching at Naka... how time flies~ it still feels like it was yesterday when i walked to the office to report for my first day... how awkward... how anxious... now when i step into the office, i am happy to see such familiar faces.. greeted with warmth and knowing they will help me with anything.... new year, new things, new faces of students... part of me is excited to start school, get back into routine, but most part of me dread this nearing-end holiday.... this is the fist time where i dont really get to sit around at home... so many events, outings that made me went out... out of 44 days of holiday, i am at home less than 14 days.... hmm..... i hope next year will be better... with new programme coming up, i hope that non of them would make me neglect my students like this year... though we did achieve the highest number of As and ...

susahnya jadi muda.... walau pun kita betul, kena mengaku salah.... walaupun nampak orang buat salah, kita kena diam x leh kata apa2.... telan saja sapa yg ada.... x leh bantah, x leh lawan.... sedihnya.... bila kawan baik... yang dianggap kakak.... menganggap kesalahannya itu betul... menganggap teguran ku sebagai satu penghinaan... diam.... x kata apa2... dia x mahu minta maaf... aku pun sama... tapi nmpaknya salah... aku yang muda x boleh buat mcam org tua... salah aku kerana x kata2 apa2.... sekarang sudah hilang.... persahabatan yg aku sgt sayang.... tiada harapan.... aku tau bukan salah aku.... salah aku kah sebab x mau minta maaf.?????? diam aku disalahertikan.... diam aku ibarat melawan.... tidak adil... aku senyum di luar, menangis di dalam... berhari2.... menunggu... yg x akan kembali.... yg sudah salah erti... mungkin ada hikmahnya... tapi Tuhan,... besar sungguh penderitaannya.... HAD I KNOWN MY SILENCE WOULD BE MISINTERPRETED, I WOULD  NOT THINK TWICE TO OPEN MY MOUTH!...

hmm... sekejap ja aku dah melangkaui suku abad.... alhamdulillah masih sihat, masih diberikan kesempatan bernafas di muka bumi... masih diberi kenikmatan dunia... dan seperti biasa, soalan2 cepumas pun mula diutara...  hmm.. jodoh itu satu bentuk rezeki, maka redha lah jika rezeki itu lambat sedikit... x perlu kalut, x perlu bimbang... ALLAH sudah pun menulis segala2nya tatkala kita lahir saja dimuka bumi ini... oleh itu, mengapa harus kita takut? mengapa harus kita risau?  hmm... ada sesetengah orang kata kenapa x cari?  dan ada juga sesetengah kata x pa, nanti ada la tu... ada yg berkawan sampai bertahun2, last2 kahwin dengan yg baru kenal 2 bulan.... ada yg bercinta dgn org lain, tp kahwin dengan dgn org lain... semuanya dah tertulis... ada yg mencari, masih x kunjung tiba... ada yg menanti, yg hadir bertimpa2...  itu semua rezeki masing2... so, cukup2 lah wahai manusia... letih nak menjawab... aku redha, aku sabar... jika jodoh ku di dunia. pasti dia akan t...

ever since my last post, i have been so busy preparing the script for my students for debate district level.. so many challenges, hindrances, from setting up the place to cleaning the place back... no one helped us... just the two of u... running here and there making sure that everything is ready... we won though... will be representing our district today... but because our victory had somewhat became a burden to school and the dictrict, it doesnt taste as sweet as it should be... of course the thought of forfeiting did come to our mind... but thinking of our students, we just swallow all the injustices... and today, we are going for a battle which only we know the outcome... May ALLAH bless all of us.... 

huwaaaaaa~~ esok org nak mai observe!! serabut2... perut dok start bergelodak dah ni... damn la... aku paling x suka perasaan ni... cepat la habis hari esok... x sabar nak tunggu hari rabu... cuti!

had a mental breakdown this morning... reason? work overload~ lately, a lot of things demanded my precious time... Debate, exams, AJKs, and now A.S.S.ignments !! gosh~ i feel like i'm doing master with assignments, online module to be done... microteachings to come... huhuhu.... soon my body will starts to break down too.... hopefully i can complete all those by their respective datelines....

esok org nak observe... kalau dapat markah rendah, kena observe lagi sekali... huhuhu... mungkin lebih... risaunya.... PBS pun sama... dah la jaga fail induk.. fail individu pun x start lagi.. Mei ni depa nak turun dah.. risau~ sekarang dah bulan april... banyak lagi syllabus x cover... sgt kebelakang... nanti exam mid year nak jawab mcm mana... risau2... baca berita... korea utara dgn korea selatan lak nak perang... boleh decide cepat2 sikit nak perang ke x... huhuu... kang dah landing sana tetiba meletup bom, parah.... risau4... segala mak nenek sumbat semua sekali time april ni... oh my~ bagi la risau ni hilang Ya ALLAH~

could you please move slower... i'm competing with you... struggling, breathless to finish evrything within given time... so many work, so little time... too exhausted, too numb... still, there are works left behind... oh no! can i make it? i have too!! please time, i beg you... put the end to my misery...

after 2 years of teaching... finally i can say that i have found some happiness in it... it used to be a torture going to school... i hate it.. suffered through it... but this year, alhamdulillah... its been better... seeing the kids i taught two years ago... grown up now in form 5... some are still the same... some became even quiet, some talkative... some who have made my life so miserables, now keep greets me whenever he sees me... how can i stay angry with them? some who are so shy, barely say a word.. now when she sees me, she will greets me, asks me questions.. became more cheerful, smiling always... its good to see them change... of course not all are flowers and glitters... but because of this some... i have come to like the teaching itself.. maybe its the experience, maybe its the age, maybe because of my surrounding that have moulded me, somehow turned me into a little bit matured... a little bit ok... well, i still have a long way to go... maybe next year will be terrible, w...

ok, so i am not that enthusiastic to go... the whole day i fret... keep whining to everyone i came across with... keep telling them how i hate to go to the (&*%%#^ course.... when the clock hit 1.00pm, i started my car, following my friend... we arrived quite early, had our prayer and then rushed to the room as the session has started... since it is the first day, it is forgiven, but we were told that next time the minutes of tardiness will be counted and will be deducted from the 480 hours~ oh dear... we need to go for at least 456hours... so we sat there, feeling wronged... during house keeping, the teachers bombarded the 'pemantau' with questions,... many things were revealed except our marks... :-( we all really want to know our mark but they just wont revealed it... anyhow, the session started.. out trainer named Fatemeh, an Iranian... the activities are indeed nice! i managed to make a new friend whom was posted the same year with me, same age with same birth mo...